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The Games We Play, Part 2
We've already talked about some of the games we play when it comes to relationships. But what's the solution — how can we successfully navigate the dating world? Lindy gives some simple, but useful, advice.
Quit Playing Games
A while back, I spent some time venting about how Christians often do dating and courtship really poorly. It's not because we don't take it seriously. On the contrary: We've read piles and piles of relationship manuals, and we have all kinds of theories, stances and rules for playing the romance game. But in the end, we don't seem to have a very biblical outlook on the whole endeavor. Instead of loving our neighbors (read: loving our dating partners or potential dating partners), we end up playing games with one another's hearts.
We need to stop.
As I said before, I don't want to write an article that outlines "Ten Easy Steps to Game-Free Dating." The easy steps thing is part of the problem, not part of the solution. I think romance leading toward marriage is (or at least ought to be) a mysterious, mystifying experience that can't be scripted. I believe we ought to tell our love stories, but tell them as just that — our stories — and not make them into models that every young couple ought to replicate.
But with that said, I do want to remember — and remind you of — a few biblical principles that we often forget to apply to our romances. Doing so can help us to honor each other instead of playing games with one another.
A Tough Act to Follow
When we try to articulate a biblical philosophy of romantic relationships, one thing quickly becomes a problem: People in the Bible didn't date. They had arranged marriages. Sometimes they knew each other before they exchanged vows.1 Sometimes they didn't.2 Often, women were "given" by a father to a husband in an exchange that makes them seem more like property than people.3 Sometimes tribal loyalty played a big role in the choice of a spouse.4 Other times, the law determined who should marry whom.5 But there is not one single example of a couple in the Bible who picked a spouse the way we do in Western culture today.
Christians have observed this lack of a direct biblical parallel and extrapolated it in many ways. Some have proposed a system of courtship that looks a lot like arranged marriage. Others have assumed that since our culture is vastly different from the Middle East of Scripture, we can ditch the scriptural example all together.
I believe that we have some latitude in how we apply Scripture to our dating lives, but since God's Word is our very life and breath,6 we had better apply it as best we can.
Get a Goal
One thing I notice throughout Scripture is that people are single-minded when it comes to the purpose of relationships between men and women. Whether it's Abraham sending his servant to find a wife for Isaac, or Ruth challenging Boaz to fulfill his duty and marry her, they don't mess around. If a godly man pursues a woman romantically, it's for the purpose of marrying her, plain and simple.7 The only other opposite-sex relationship that's mentioned in a positive light is one that's completely familial. If you're not married to a man, then you should treat him as a brother.8
But how exactly do you get from the brother-sister relationship to the marriage relationship? In the Bible, they did the arranged marriage thing. In our time, we do it by dating. And I think that's OK. No, not everything about our culture's dating "script" honors God. But we can navigate that system in a way that honors Him. In other words, we don't have to totally sterilize and systematize the process of finding a mate, which is what some Christians have done. It can be human and messy, fun and romantic. Ruth and Boaz, Jacob and Rachel, and Solomon and his bride didn't date, but neither were their courtships merely contractual — the Bible paints a picture of attraction and interaction between them before marriage.
But here's the important part: These biblical lovebirds didn't stay in a state of unmarried mutual attraction for long. They made their way to the altar as soon as they knew it was wise and workable to do so. And that's not a bad idea for us either.
Bottom line: I firmly believe that if you're not ready to get married in the near future, you shouldn't be dating. That may sound harsh and even ridiculous in a culture where middle school students are romantically involved and sexually experienced, but most people aren't getting married until their mid-to-late 20s. But think about it. If you make marriage an optional, maybe-I'll-think-about-that-later kind of thing, what in the world could you possibly be doing besides playing games with your partner?9
Cut Each other Some Slack
I know, I know. The advice I just gave isn't unique. Lots of other folks are saying the same things. But here's what bugs me: Too many Christians take this advice and jump to the wrong conclusion. If saying yes to a relationship means I am ready to consider marriage, then it also means that I must know I'm going to marry this particular guy before I go out with him, right?
That's a head-game if I've ever heard of one! Plus, that kind of logic goes against everything else we know about discerning the will of God. The Lord doesn't often show us the five-year plan. He's more likely to give us a tiny glimpse of the next step — enough to get us moving in the right direction, but not so much that we get overconfident and stop listening and looking for His guidance.
So don't demand that God make it clear that you're going to marry a guy before you'll accept his invitation to coffee. Go out! Get to know each other! Relax! And by all means, have some fun together. Getting to know someone well enough to make a decision about marriage takes time.
It's possible that you'll travel some distance down the relationship road and then discover that you're not made for a lifetime together. That's OK too. Getting your heart broken isn't sinful. On the other hand, getting your heart broken isn't always necessary either. And lots of superfluous heartbreak comes when we fail to heed this next piece of biblical counsel…
Be Honest with Each Other
Ephesians 4:14-15 tells us that when we become mature in Christ, we show it by "speaking the truth in love." And seriously, folks, life's so much easier when we're honest with each other. We live in a culture in which "anything goes" in romance. Simultaneously, we live in a Christian culture that has layers upon layers of spoken and unspoken rules about relationships.10 The two cultures together make it nearly impossible to guess what another person's expectations are in a dating relationship.
The solution? Talk to each other. Be honest. Loving — but very, very honest.
If you don't want to date a guy who's asked you out, thank him for asking and simply say you're not interested. Don't blame it on bad timing ("I'm not interested right now"). Don't overstate your case ("I don't think God wants me to date at all"). Because what happens if a guy you are interested in asks you out tomorrow? Then you look like a liar to the guy who asked today. And pretty much, that's because you are a liar.
Beyond that, be straightforward with your significant other about what you think is the purpose of dating. That way, the two of you can keep the same goals in mind — or find out right away if you have different goals. It's hard to play games with one another when you are both actively seeking wisdom from God about whether to marry one another.
Full Circle
C O F F E E S H O PHow are you going to apply Lindy's advice to your relationships?
Join the discussion!
And so, we're right back to where we started: with two people being purposeful about a dating relationship. I know I've given advice so simple that I'm in danger of being simplistic — except for one thing. Each of the principles discussed here requires extreme vulnerability with both God and another person. And vulnerability is never simple. You need lots of wisdom to do it well.
Have you ever met anyone who's purposeful, patient, honest, wise and vulnerable and is also a game-player? Me neither.
- Genesis 29:16-28; Ruth 3:9-13 Back^
- Genesis 24:61-67 Back^
- Genesis 41:45 Back^
- Genesis 24:1-4 Back^
- Deuteronomy 25:5-6 Back^
- John 8:51; Psalm 119:32, 35, 45 Back^
- Which is not to say that there's no sexual sin in the Bible. There's adultery and prostitution and incest and concubines and rape and all manner of soap-opera-type stuff. But these always lead to bad consequences and they're condemned elsewhere in Scripture. Back^
- 1 Timothy 5:1-3; incidentally, this passage is also my defense for why I think men and women can be close friends with no hint of sexuality to the relationship. It may not be common or easy, but it can be done. Back^
- One might argue that another possible purpose for dating is for men and women to learn to interact with each other in a way that's proper and respectful. I think that argument can be made, but it requires a definition of dating that's way more proper and limited than almost anything we see in our culture today. Back^
- If you want to see a funny commentary about the Christian dating culture, check out this blog entry.* Back^
Lindy Keffer is a contributing author for TrueU.org. She has written for a variety of organizations, including Cook Communications Ministries, Acquire the Fire, and Focus on the Family. Lindy earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in English Education from Taylor University, and she currently works with college students at the Focus on the Family Institute. Lindy lives in Colorado, and, therefore, climbs lots of mountains. She has even climbed international mountains, like Mount Kenya. We're still trying to figure out exactly which country it's located in.
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