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Deny Thy Neighbor

Tangent Continued

A couple of months ago, I spent some time writing about love and respect — specifically, the thought that it might be beneficial for women to respect the men in their lives. Not everyone agreed with my articles, but that's OK. I've finally decided to quit pouting about it and forgive those of you who disagreed with me.

What I would like to reiterate, though, is that I think the topic of respect is beneficial to both sexes — and that oftentimes when we women respect the guys, they, in turn, end up reciprocating that respect.

One of the situations where I can see this idea at work is when it comes to some of the more intricate workings of guy/girl relationships — friendships specifically. My thoughts about this stem (quite literally … you'll see what I mean) from what I wrote in my first article about love and respect:

Showing respect for guys does not include doing what they tell you or being at their beck and call. In fact, I would argue that sometimes not doing what they ask of you and not being at their beck and call may be more respectful to them in the long run. (Someone please remind me to continue that tangent and turn it into an article someday.)

See, I told you.

Well, I'm expanding my tangent so that I can talk about why not doing what guys ask, in certain cases, might actually be more respectful — and generally a good plan for everyone involved. So, here we go. Get excited!

I Wouldn't Know from Personal Experience…

I know a girl — let's call her, umm, "Denisa Morrison"— who has been through that whole "just friends" thing with a couple of guys. You know — she spent a lot of time with a guy who was just a good buddy. They hung out, went to dinner, watched movies, talked frequently, and told each other how wonderful the other was. But never officially dated. Even though everyone else thought they were dating or thought they should be dating, both Denisa and the guy would adamantly deny any type of attraction.

Unfortunately, however, those types of relationship Denisa found herself in never ended up lasting because, in spite of the denials, someone's feelings would end up getting hurt. The relationship status would become murky and the friendship would have to dissolve because, in the end, being "really good friends" really doesn't work.

Such situations are not unique to me … that girl I was talking about. They happen a lot — perhaps most often within the Christian community.

Because dating/courting usually isn't taken lightly among believers, it has become something that often isn't done unless people are pretty sure that they want to pursue a serious relationship with someone. Many Christians are careful to "guard their hearts," and some hope that the first person they date will be the person they marry.

In my opinion, all that seems noble enough. But it also causes everyone's expectations, when it comes to what dating really is, to be sky high.

Since so many of us Christians think being in a relationship is such a serious thing — and rightly so — many guys and girls end up "hanging out" for endless amounts of time. In reality, they are dating but avoiding the title. This way, they can get to know one another and decide if they want to pursue a relationship, but never really have to commit to anything as pressure-filled as dating.

Right …

Unfortunately, confusion and hurt are often a result of these "friendships" because, even though no one ever calls it dating, feelings still get involved. Oftentimes, people are left hurting over the loss of a relationship, but don't feel justified in their pain because they were never really "dating" to begin with.

So, what can we do about these confusing relationships? And what does this have to do with respect? Patience, people. I'm getting there.

Too Close for Comfort?

College is a wonderful time to meet new people and to hang out with groups of friends. Studying for biology tests or attending weekly Future Dairy Farmers of America meetings make it easy to hang out with guys without having to go on dates with them. Oftentimes, these kinds of get-togethers are quite harmless. You can build good friendships and have quality conversations.

However, I think it's useful and helpful to be quite intentional about the nature of our relationships with the opposite sex.

Whether we like it or not, things are just different when it comes to guy/girl friendships. As Blake mentions in "The Possibility of Platonic Friendship," there's not always a romantic relationship waiting to happen with every guy you meet, but there is always a slight difference in the friendship, simply because of your chromosomes. There's no way around it.

So, whether it's coed groups or hanging out with one specific guy friend for a long time, I believe there's some potential danger in letting things like this go on for too long without any intentionality.

I know that in my experience, I've sometimes let non-committed relationships with guys linger because it's comfortable for me. It seems safer to spend time with a guy outside of a dating relationship, even though my words, actions and feelings usually tell me otherwise. Having a good guy friend is nice — he's always there for you and he'll be your automatic date if you ever need to bring someone to an event. But these types of friendships often can be confusing, and like I mentioned in "Straight Talk," many of us aren't very good at providing clarity by just talking things out. Overall, these types of friendships usually don't end up leading us to committed relationships — or away from confusing ones.

What's in it for the Guys?

And, on the flip side, I think that sometimes — although it's probably not intentional — the men are getting a lot from these "friendships" without actually committing to a relationship.

Many women are naturally good at being nurturing — especially with their guy friends. They make meals and treats, listen to and give advice to the guys, and generally spend a lot of time investing in relationships. These are all great things, but I think that sometimes guys unintentionally — or even unwittingly — take advantage of these situations, usually through complacency.

Both guys and girls can end up getting a lot of the same perks out of their friendships that they would be getting from a dating relationship. Unfortunately, this can sometimes keep guys in a comfortable situation — they don't feel the need to move on or commit because the girls don't make them. They're getting fulfilled by their friendships with women without having the added stresses and commitments of dating.

Respect All Around

Here's where I think the whole respect aspect applies to this situation. I honestly believe that when women are intentional about the way they conduct their friendships with guys, the men will end up feeling more respected, whether they realize it or not. When we girls aren't willing to be in these undefined relationships for long periods of time, the guys will be forced to step up and either commit to a relationship or move on.

Personally, I believe this is a way of showing respect to guys because it means that we expect more of them. We're not content with guys who are wishy-washy or non-committal. We expect the men in our lives to be just that — men.

This is not a way for us to "punish" guys or control our relationships. In fact, I think it's a way for women to help protect themselves and their guy friends, and in doing so, foster healthier, valued relationships.

C O F F E E  S H O P

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What do you think of respecting the guys by denying them?

Join the discussion!

In the end, this is about loving the people around us enough to expect them to act in a respectable manner and to treat us likewise. When we respect our guy friends — even by denying them — they'll hopefully end up treating us in a way that is honoring and loving.