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Love Your Brother: Why Guys Need Our Respect, Part 2

Remember Last Time? It Was Fun.

In my last article, we talked about the subjects of love and respect as they relate to women and men. Although it's obvious that both men and women need to be loved and respected, we give and receive those things in different ways. Often times, women really desire to be loved. And, from what I've heard, guys really want to be respected. We talked about this idea coming from Paul's letter to the Ephesians in which he says, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (5:33, NIV).

But take a closer look at Paul's words. Isn't he specifically talking to husbands and wives? I mean, this is a great verse for future use: When we get married, we should show respect to our husbands. But what does this look like for those of us who are unmarried — who regularly interact with guy friends? Let's discuss.

He Ain't My Man, So I Don't Gotta Respect Him

Let me be quick to point out that I do believe Paul was writing specifically to husbands and wives in the Ephesians 5 passage. I think there are different rules about submission, love, respect, authority and all those things when it comes to someone you are not married to. But, can some of these suggestions still apply to our dating or even non-romantic relationships? I think so.

If Jesus set before us the goal to "love your neighbor as yourself," then we should be looking for the best way to do that with those around us. If your best friend hates Justin Timberlake, you probably shouldn't buy her JT concert tickets for her birthday, even if you would die at the chance to attend such a glorious, hip-shaking event. The same applies to your guy friends — if you know that the best way to love them is by showing them respect, then maybe that should be something you make an effort to do.

OK … but let me tell you where my thoughts went immediately after writing that sentence: Some of the guys in my life don't deserve respect. They are immature, inconsistent and don't seem to do all that much that is worthy of admiration. I don't want to shell out fake respect all over the place, and that's what I feel like I'd have to do with some of my guy friends. Boo to that.

Ladies, without being insensitive to any of the men who may be reading this article, I do think we have a valid concern here. Sometimes the men in our lives don't seem all that deserving of respect. (And I would guess that the guys could come right back and argue that we females don't always earn the lovable award either.)

Here's where I've had to think through this issue and come to terms with a couple of things. 1) It is possible that sometimes the disrespectful way we women treat men helps them to act out our low expectations of them, and 2) sometimes what I want to do or what I feel people deserve just doesn't matter all that much.

First, if I'm always going around teasing my guy friends, putting them down, insulting them (even in "harmless," funny ways), it may end up taking a toll on them. If I show them disrespect, they may start to act in ways that don't deserve respect. In my opinion, guys already somewhat struggle with an attitude of disrespect from our culture — I often see TV shows that present the leading male characters as "idiots." When we Christian women reinforce this attitude with our comments, it may only serve to help them feel like we're right and they might as well give up.¹

As for point number two, sometimes I need to do what's right just because it's right. My ability to judge what kind of treatment someone deserves has no place here (primarily because I hope people aren't going around deciding what kind of treatment I deserve based on my behavior). And, in reality, I believe we can show respect and love toward people without being fake. In my opinion, fakeness is defined by insincerity. I can show respect to men out of a desire to help them grow and to love them in the way they need to be loved. I don't believe there's fakeness in that kind of attitude.

Practically Respectful

OK, fine. We'll work on respecting all of the guys in our lives. But what does this look like practically? Well, here are a few thoughts:

It may mean not making jokes at their expense (even if it's funny or if they "deserve" it). It might mean encouraging gentlemanly behavior by waiting for them to open doors or asking them to lift heavy things (even though you could do those things yourself). Or you could practice affirming and encouraging them to take chances, move forward, step up. Or maybe you don't often show disrespect directly, but you talk behind their backs with your other girl friends. I would discourage this as well, first of all because it's the definition of gossip, but also because what you say about them in private probably colors your view of who they are, and can affect how you treat your guy friends when you're with them.

This showing of respect probably looks different for each of us depending on the guys we know. But just as we could give suggestions to the men in our lives about how they can better love us, we can take notice of how we can better respect them. Again, this is not a submission thing — it's recognizing that men and women operate differently and, therefore, need to be honored in different ways.

Respect for Everyone's Sake

So that's my spiel on respect. If you would like to continue this conversation and discuss your thoughts, meet me in the Coffee Shop.

Overall, this is something that I know I want to work on. It is yet another way I can love God by loving others. And I sincerely want to show love to the guys in my life by respecting who God has made them to be. I want to encourage them to live up to their potential.

C O F F E E  S H O P

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What are some practical ways to respect the men in your life?

Join the discussion!

In the end, I honestly think this will produce the best results for me as a woman and for them as men. And when we're all living up to our potential, we'll best be glorifying the God who placed it there in the first place.