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The Path to Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." — Mark Twain.

A Seed Is Planted

I grew up listening to the musical stylings of Psalty the Singing Songbook.* There were numerous cassette tapes (that's right cassette tapes) about Psalty's life, which often included some kind of crazy adventure and plenty of singalongs. (Did I mention that Psalty was an actual, life-sized singing songbook? He was blue. He had a wife named Psaltina, and three kids — Melody, Harmony and Rhythm. They were a very musical family.)

Anyway, one of Psalty's adventures included a lesson about forgiveness. Although it's been years since I've listened to it, I think the premise of the story included Psalty's dog, Blooper, who had done something wrong and needed to be forgiven. Like most things in the world of singing songbooks, we learned a lesson about forgiveness through a little ditty about how we needed to forgive people a whole bunch of times — 70x7 times to be exact. (I can still hum the tune and quote some of the lyrics for you if you'd like.)

Psalty's lesson about forgiveness has stuck with me for quite awhile, but unfortunately, I've learned that forgiving someone 490 times is not as easy as it sounds in a catchy children's song.

The Hard Thing

I chose to write about forgiveness this month, not because I have all of the answers, but because it's something I've been thinking about and struggling with lately. This topic, I have discovered, is a complicated one that involves quite a bit more than uttering the words "I forgive you." It is a matter of the heart and the mind; it affects our actions and our attitudes. Forgiveness involves intentionality and humility; a recognition of grace in our lives and the willingness to extend that same grace to others.

Basically, it's a lot more work than I want to do.

But unfortunately, hard work is not an excuse for not doing something, so that's why I'm sifting through this topic. I can't promise that this article will conclude with a lot of solid answers, but I would love it if you explore some of these ideas with me. And please forgive me (Get it?! Oh man, I crack myself up.) if I leave you with more questions than you had when we started.

Learning to Forgive

My parents separated and then divorced when I was 10 years old. It was a very difficult time, and although I was young, I remember thinking very deeply about the issue of forgiving my parents for the hurt they had caused.

I was in Awana during those years, and I memorized lots of Scripture as a result. I remember specifically praying for my family and myself during that time, and repeating the words of Ephesians 4:31-32, NIV: "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Somehow, through God's grace, those words have protected me from bitterness and helped me to forgive for many years. In my life, that passage is a real example of God's word being living and active.

Smoking Firepots of Forgiveness

One of the main things I've discovered about forgiveness is that it is useful — not just for the person who needs to be forgiven, but for those who are doing the forgiving. It does us no good to hold on to bitterness, in fact, it probably harms us much more than whomever we're unwilling to forgive.

And when we do forgive, I would guess that we're required to have the right attitude about it. I know that I have been tempted to forgive in order to look like a better person. If that's our attitude about the situation, then we probably have quite a bit of work to do. For example, take a look at these verses:

If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you. (Proverbs 25:21-22)

To me this verse was always a bit of consolation for the pain of having to forgive. At least when I am kind to "my enemies" God smites them by making them feel bad about how holy I am in the face of their jerkiness. (See how I am able to look on the bright side?)

Ray Vander Laan,* however, ruined all of my vindictive fun. Here's how.

One of the things that we often don't realize about the Bible is that the first use of a word was very important to the people who wrote it, and the people who first read it. Understanding this can help us capture more of the writers' intent.

Case in point: In the Hebrew language, the word we see written as "burning coals" in Proverbs 25 is first used in Genesis 15. In this chapter, God makes a covenant with Abraham in which He promises to give Abraham land and descendents. What's important here is that God appears before Abraham in the form of a blazing torch and a smoking firepot. To the Hebrew reading Genesis then, the smoking firepot (or burning coals), signifies God's presence. Still with me?

So, to a Hebrew reading Proverbs 25, this passage does not mean you should pour the contents of your hot charcoal grill over someone's head. Instead, our kindness results in showing our enemies the love of God. When we feed our enemies, we are heaping the presence of God (burning coals) upon them, and the Lord will reward us.

Although it may be disappointing to those of us who wanted revenge, it is pretty awesome that God is so gracious to those who don't deserve it, namely, all of us. So, in our quest to be disciples of Jesus, it seems as though forgiveness is one of the best ways we can love our neighbor and follow the great commandments.

Forgive and Forget?

OK, so when we forgive those who have wronged us, we are showing them God's kindness. But what exactly does the word "forgiveness" entail? I am able to forgive people fairly easily for specific wrongdoings. However, I do struggle with knowing what complete forgiveness looks like. Let me explain.

We hear a lot about "forgiving and forgetting," which, interestingly, is not actually a biblical phrase. Does that mean we can forgive but still hold on to those bitter memories?

Numerous times the Bible commands us to forgive, and in the example we see in God Himself, it seems as though He "forgets" our sins. The Bible tells us that "as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us" (Psalm 103:12). In Isaiah, God says, "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more" (43:25).

Although God knows the sins we've committed against Him, when we're covered in Christ's blood, He "forgets" them and frees us.

This is where forgiveness begins to get difficult for me. I can forgive someone for the wrong they committed against me, but forgetting seems pretty much impossible to do. The hurt feelings and unjustness of a situation do not simply disappear once you've decided to forgive someone. We all know that we need to pardon people because Jesus has asked us to. But does that forgiveness entail being good friends or trusting again? Perhaps.

In general, I wonder if forgiveness sometimes needs to involve a reconciliation that encourages some return to normalcy in relationships — otherwise the genuineness of that forgiveness would never be tested. (What do you think? Meet me in the Coffee Shop to discuss.)

The Road to Becoming More Like Him

Clearly, I don't know all there is to know about forgiveness. It's still a bit of a mystery to me. But I do know it's necessary and healthy: It brings God's presence into a situation.

C O F F E E  S H O P

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What do you think true forgiveness looks like?

Join the discussion!

So, if you need to be forgiven, apologize and ask for grace from whomever you have wronged. If you are the one needing to forgive, do the work it takes to make your forgiveness genuine and Christlike.

Because in the end, that's what this whole thing is all about — being more like Christ.