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Quitting the Comparison Game

The Conundrum of Comparison Revisited

In her article "The Conundrum of Comparison," Denise talked about how she often compares herself to other women, and how it distracts her from the time she should be spending serving others. Her article got me thinking about how much time I waste engaging in what I like to call the "comparison game." It's almost like a sport, really, one I'm really good at. I'm telling you, if there were playoffs for the comparison game, I'd be the Colorado Rockies, sweeping my way straight to the World Series.

Since we've heard from Denise, I figured it's time to have a guy's article about the perils of comparison. So in this article I'd like to address the following questions:

• Why do we compare ourselves to others?
• What are the results?
• What is the remedy?

OK, so let's get started!

Why Do We Compare Ourselves to Others?

I'm not one for stereotypes, but if you're a guy, chances are you have a little bit of a competitive streak. Whether it's a sporting event or something eternally significant, like, say, who can burp the loudest and longest, we guys tend to be rank ourselves against one another. And I don't think this competitiveness is in and of itself a bad thing. I really enjoy competing in any number of activities. I can get pretty cut-throat, good naturedly, of course, when it comes to volleyball. And I was ruthless back in high school in scholars' bowl (think group Jeopardy!). I'm even getting sucked into this thing we call fantasy football. But sometimes my competitive spirit takes an ugly turn.

I have trouble comparing myself to others, and by that I don't mean I don't do it well, but that I do it much too often. A lot of my identity comes from sizing myself up against other people, especially other guys. And I've noticed that I compare myself to others because it provides me some sense of identity, a "place in this world," (as my man Michael W. Smith*° put it back in the day). I may not be thrilled with what I find regarding that identity, but the comparison game fulfills for me that basic human need nonetheless.

When you think about it, it makes sense that we compare ourselves to other people. Not that we should excuse this sort of behavior, but it's understandable. I mean, God tells us we're made in His image,¹ that we're His sons,² but for various reasons — past wounds and personal experiences — it's hard to feel the truth of that. Sure, we know it in our heads, but we haven't really internalized it. We don't know it in our hearts. We find ourselves wanting a more corporeal, more tangible definition of who we are. Since we are by nature very relational creatures, we turn, almost necessarily, to other people. We ask them to tell us who we are.

What Are the Consequences?

In my life I find that playing the comparison game has two results. Either I play the game and try to keep up with the Joneses (whoever they are), or I realize I just can't compete and I feel really lousy about myself. Either way, I end having a pretty skewed view of what my life should be about. I certainly don't put my efforts toward seeking God and making Him known.

When we go with the first option, that is, when we "play the game," we have to show others how awesome we are so they'll compliment us for our awesomeness. This way of living leads to, among other things, unrestrained materialism and loads of pride. We try to accumulate stuff — whether that's a hot new ride or clothes or all the money we can get our hands on — because everyone knows that money and shiny new things translate to status. And we're driven to achieve. Satisfaction comes only from being noticed, from being the best.

If we become convinced we just don't have what it takes to play the game — usually, as I said, based on really negative, cutting experiences — depression and poor self-esteem are the likely result. We let people run over us because, well, we're convinced we just don't really matter. And we're afraid to really give life an honest effort because we're pretty sure we'll screw things up anyway. What's the point, right?

When I engage in excessive comparison I tend toward the self-loathing frame of mind I just described. But I struggle with the pride issue, too.

Take worship leading, for instance. I'm no Chris Tomlin, but I've done a share of leading over the past few years. And sometimes I just can't help myself from thinking, rather arrogantly, That song felt so out of place. I would have dropped that other song to a lower key. I don't like the way the background vocalists are singing their harmony. And somehow I get a certain sense of satisfaction that I notice little "mistakes" like these. I don't engage in such judgmental-ism every time I'm at church or at some worship event, but the point remains that sometimes I do. And I do it out of pride. I do it because I'm finding my identity in my ability to lead worship. Rather oxymoronic, I know. We're working on it.

Writing is a whole other issue. As a writer just starting out in my career, I tend to compare my style and vocabulary to everyone I read. I'm constantly asking myself why I do or don't like this writer's technique or that writer's choice of words. I do all this in an honest attempt to hone my skills. If I'm not careful, though, I tend to get down on myself. In comparison to established, more talented writers — with their enviable wit and six- and seven-figure book advances — I'm a nobody. And so sometimes it just feels easier not to bother.

And let's be honest, guys: We succumb to the messages of our image-conscious culture, too. I know I do. Maybe we don't spend a lot of time fussing over our hair or our faces, but we definitely want the rest of us to look good. In fact, I want my body to look the best. This is where I get myself in trouble. Magazine covers, movies, pretty much any episode of anything on MTV — they all tell me I'm supposed to have bulging biceps, washboard abs and huge pecs. But with my six-feet, four-inch, very ectomorphic frame, that's pretty much not going to happen. And yet I continue to compare myself to this "ideal" look. If I engage in this aspect of the comparison game too long, all these images begin to threaten my masculinity. "This is what real men look like," they say. And I just don't measure up.

So What's the Remedy?

Clearly, neither pride nor self-loathing is a biblical response to the comparison game. Life isn't about winning the rat race or achieving the "American Dream," whatever that means. But having a low view of ourselves isn't the answer either.

Quite simply, we must stop looking to others for our identity altogether and turn our gaze to Christ. After all, He's the one who died to save us from both pride and isolation. In comparison to Christ's righteousness, our accomplishments are nothing. And if we really and truly understand that we're sons of God, it's impossible to maintain a low self-worth.

The buzzer doesn't sound, though, once we've quashed of our pride or realized we have inherent value. The point — the end — of the gospel is living a life that serves and glorifies Christ. It's about taking part in a story so much bigger than our own. Only by losing ourselves in God's larger story do we find our true identity — what we've been looking for all along. Perhaps Jesus was on to something when He said in Matthew 10:39, "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" (NIV).

However, we shouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. By that I mean there is someone we should compare ourselves to — Jesus Christ. We must "fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2). In his book, So, You Want to Be Like Christ? Charles Colson says,

Keep Jesus as your standard. All other human examples are driven by a survival instinct, an internal compulsion to preserve and nurture self. Only Christ modeled godly selflessness throughout His entire life. While others seek to preserve their own lives, He came to lay His life down.

As Christian men we should be concerned about becoming who God created us to be. That's not going to happen if we're always looking to the right or to the left to see how we're measuring up to other guys. Instead, like Triple-Crown-winning thoroughbreds with their blinders on, we need to keep our focus straight ahead, on the very One who created us. We should be so busy striving to become like Christ that we're not willing to waste our time or energy worrying about how we're measuring up to everyone around us.

Quitting the Game

C O F F E E  S H O P

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Why do you think we spend so much time comparing ourselves to others?

Join the discussion!

Comparing ourselves to others and the ideals our culture upholds is part of our fleshly nature. But do we have to remain unwilling participants in this crazy game? Absolutely not. Instead, we decide we're going to compare ourselves only to Christ. We walk the path He's set before us. And we ask the Spirit for guidance. When we do these things we realize we don't have to find our identity in whether or not we're winning the comparison game. In fact, we come to the conclusion it's a game we don't even have to play in the first place.