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The New Chivalry: How to Treat Women ... and Everyone Else

What Do You Do?

Hypothetical situation: You're on a date, and you get things started by meeting the girl at her apartment or dorm. You smile and engage in a little small talk. If you're smooth, you compliment her appearance. And you walk her from the building to your car.

What do you do next? Here are your options:

1. You open the passenger door for her, then shut it once she's comfortably seated. After all, that's the gentlemanly way.
2. You open the passenger door for her, but let her shut it herself. Because what if you accidentally slam the door on her dress? Or … her foot? It's too risky.
3. You go straight to the driver's side, and let her get the passenger door herself. Seriously. She's not a child. She can open a door.

To many people, the answer to the above is a no-brainer: Option 1. Your parents raised you to be a gentleman, so you open the door for her. You let her sit down, then you close the door (taking great care not to shut it on anything). It's easy. Right?

Riiiight. Unless you're ridiculously clumsy, in which case Option 2 is not a bad idea. And then there's Option 3, which, unfortunately, has become SDP (Standard Dating Procedure) among a number of guys these days.

Culture Shift

There are a couple of reasons for this. One is that, for whatever reason, general etiquette and good manners are in decline in our society.¹ Place blame wherever you want — single-parent households, video game culture, the Priory of Sion² — but people just aren't as nice to each other as they used to be. Another reason for our disappearing manners has to do with fear: Guys are scared. Some women in today's culture actually take offense at traditional chivalrous behavior.

Don't get me wrong. There were (and are) lots of positive aspects of the feminist movement. For instance, I wouldn't want my daughter to think her only option in life was to bake cookies all day for her bread-winning husband. If she wants to do that, fine, but I'd like her to have choices. Equal pay and equal opportunities for women is a great idea.

But a by-product of this cultural shift — which began to gain ground in the 1960s and 70s — was that women began to question some of the attitudes behind the traditional gentlemanly behaviors men had been taught to exhibit. By opening a door for a feminist, you could be implying that she was weak and somehow unable to open the door for herself. By picking up the tab on a date, you could be establishing your financial dominance over her (and possibly putting her in a position of indebtedness to you).

Feminism complicated otherwise simple gestures, and the bedrock of manners and etiquette began to crack. Before long, guys just didn't know what to do anymore, and as the years have passed, some of those basic acts of chivalry are fading away.

In fact, some guys may not have even been able to relate to the hypothetical date options above, because they wouldn't even have gone to the door in the first place. They might have honked the horn from the parking lot, or texted her to tell her they'd arrived. Pull that kind of thing 30 years ago and you're a weasel. Today? No one bats an eye.

The Gentleman Jesus

That needs to change, especially among guys who claim to follow Jesus. He didn't exactly address proper dating etiquette in the Sermon on the Mount, but Jesus made it very clear that, in the Kingdom of God, how you treat people matters. He equated the lustful objectifying of a woman with the act of adultery. He annoyed the Pharisees by treating tax collectors and prostitutes as real people with real needs. When asked "What is the greatest commandment?" he actually gave two: love God, and love people. Both were inter-related, and both were equally important.

Paul carried that theme with him on his missionary journeys. "Each of you should look not only to your own interests," he writes in his letter to the Philippians, "but also to the interests of others" (2:4, NIV). Then there's the controversial fifth chapter of Ephesians, where Paul talks about relationships between wives and husbands. Feminists don't particularly like Ephesians 5:24, where Paul instructs wives to submit to their husbands in everything. And men aren't quite sure what to do with Ephesians 5:23, when Paul says husbands are to be "the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church."

Yet amid the entire gender-roles hullabaloo, we tend to pass right over the verse that kicks off the entire passage: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21). Submit to one another. Girls submit to guys. Guys submit to girls. Professors submit to students. Students submit to professors. Contemporary hipster worship leaders submit to suit-and-tie Southern Baptist deacons. And so on.

Sound revolutionary? It is. It means that, regardless of gender, age, beliefs, politics, sexual orientation, or whom we voted for on American Idol, we should treat all people with politeness and kindness. We should treat people like Jesus treated people. That means we become next-generation gentlemen. We begin to practice what some have called "gender-neutral chivalry." We extend polite, grace-filled gestures to everyone — including, but not limited to, our date this weekend.

Tell Me What to Do

Now that we have the whole Scripture-backed philosophy agreed upon, what does it actually look like in action? Good question. Here are a few common courtesies you can begin to put into practice at all times, toward all people:

Opening the door. Whether it's a car door, a restaurant door, or the door to a classroom, if you get there first, hold it open for the person behind you. And when they say "thanks," reply "you're welcome."

Giving up your seat. If you're in an environment where seats are scarce, offer your seat to anyone who looks like they could use it, such as a pregnant woman, a man or woman with a small child, an elderly man or woman, or someone who just looks tired. He or she won't always accept, but the offer will be appreciated.

Paying for a meal. The host always pays. If you invite someone to a meal, it's on you. If she's the one who asked you on a date, you have options. You can offer to pay (in a non-pushy way), and she might let you do it. Or, she might suggest splitting it. Or she might want to pay herself. If she does, let her.

Get up to greet. When you're being introduced to someone, or when you first meet an elderly person or any superior, it's polite to stand up.

Carry the load. Anytime someone is carrying something heavy or awkward, you should ask if you can help. They'll almost always take you up on it, unless they're carrying something private or dangerous.³

Go easy on the PDA. Yeah, we know you two are in love and talking about getting married after you graduate and blah blah blah, but we don't need to see you macking in the student lounge. Public displays of affection between younger people (which includes college students) can make older onlookers uncomfortable. Honor her by staying within gentlemanly boundaries. And if you do show affection, keep it discreet.

Listen more than you speak. Don't interrupt, or be the kind of person who's always trying to turn a conversation back to himself. Listen first, then wait for the other person to finish talking before jumping in. To do otherwise is to indicate that what you have to say is more important than what they have to say.

Don't be a cell jerk. Few things grate on modern nerves like incessant (and insensitive) cell phone usage. Shut your phone down during classes, church services, performances, or movies. Use it as infrequently as possibly when with company. If you're talking to someone and you must take a call, say "I'm sorry, may I take this?" and then keep the call brief. Otherwise, let voice mail do its thing.⁴

Say "please" and "thank you" as often as possible. As Paul writes in Colossians 4:5, "Let your conversation be always full of grace."

C O F F E E  S H O P

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Can chivalry be revived?

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To be a gentleman these days doesn't necessarily mean ruining your coat so your date doesn't have to walk across a puddle. It doesn't mean knowing which fork is the dessert fork, or whether or not you should put your elbows on the table.⁵ What it means is viewing people — all people — as the valuable human beings they are. It means treating people with respect out of reverence for Christ. In any situation, ask yourself: How would I want my grandfather to be treated? How would I want my future daughter to be treated? Then live out your answer.